The illusion of Upbringing

The illusion of equal or same Upbringing

Often you hear people say that children have had the same or an equal upbringing within the family.  Especially when one of the children steps outside the boundaries, this is often brought up. What is probably meant is that they were subject to the same rules depending on their age. It’s almost like saying it’s not our fault because they were raised the same. However, this is a very superficial and flawed observation what has nothing to do with reality.

Once I saw a documentary, where the boy from the family had shot one of his parents with his father’s gun. In this documentary, it was also mentioned that many neighbors were interviewed, but it was such a respectable Catholic family and according to the parents, the children were raised equally and sincerely. This last part is nearly impossible; personally, I don’t know any family where the children are raised equally. There might be equal rules and maybe even equal opportunities, but the dynamics between them are completely different. Just observe when children within the family ask a question to the parents, even if it’s the same question, how it’s answered in different ways. The intonation of the parents for each child individually is often different. There seems to be more patience for one child than for the other. The energetic transmission is also frequently quite variable. Each child also has individual needs depending on their personality and nature.

Each child has a core, a blueprint, an individuality. You can already see and feel this core or blueprint even in infancy. For example, one baby may have much more temperament than another. And one child may feel much softer in their energy than another. One baby might have a much stronger and more intense character than another. There’s a tremendous diversity and uniqueness.


Every individual possesses their own core in this manner, along with an associated task. As soon as the core, the energy of the mother or father, interacts with the baby, synergy emerges – the blending of both energies. This is quite different for each child, sibling, or sister, and therefore elicits distinct reactions from the mother and father. Equality is already hard to find in this aspect.

Moreover, we all deal with shadows, the suppressed parts of ourselves. Fathers and mothers also contend with these. Aspects of ourselves that we weren’t allowed to have due to our upbringing, culture, or society, etc. Yin and Yang exist in every person and should be in balance, but this is usually not the case. When a parent has not accepted their vulnerability or strength and is not connected to it, powerful dynamics come into play that are often projected onto each other and onto the children. Thus, a more vulnerable child might trigger irritations in one of the parents, as the parent is still fully in projection and hasn’t accepted their own vulnerability. Similarly, a child carrying more powerful energy might trigger the suppressed aspects of one of the parents where they haven’t yet integrated their strength. These are just two examples of potential triggers. As a result, the perceived equality that parents believe they are conveying is completely lost.

Furthermore, we all hold numerous conscious and unconscious beliefs that we have never really put to the test of truth. We judge the world based on these unconscious beliefs. One child might behave in a way that doesn’t trigger the parents’ accompanying reaction patterns driven by these beliefs, while another child’s character might do so. This also contributes to the so-called equality of upbringing not being as equal as initially thought.


Then there’s the family system with its powerful dynamic processes, which can be seen as karma – ancestral karma. When unresolved issues and suppressions exist within the family system (which is almost always the case), they will find an outlet through the children who resonate with them. And this varies greatly from child to child. Additionally, many parents are inclined to carry the karma and emotional pain of their children, which completely disrupts the balance of the system. This also contributes to a profound unconscious and innocent inequality.

Furthermore, there are unconscious and conscious preferences of parents for the eldest of the family, or the youngest boy, etc. Or if the parents haven’t accepted themselves and the child resembles them closely, they might unconsciously carry this non-acceptance. The only girl in the family might unconsciously become the father’s princess, often unconsciously representing his unaccepted vulnerability. This leads to a total unconscious loss of the supposed equality.

Even the mother’s hormonal state has a tremendous impact on her perception of the baby, both pre- and postnatally. Early traumas resurface during this period and can lead to prenatal or postnatal depression. This is often not looked at or understood in this way, which prevents the traumas uncovered during this period from being addressed. Yet, this can certainly influence how this specific child is experienced, and the child can feel this. The family circumstances during pregnancy or afterward can also leave an imprint on the children, and since circumstances aren’t fixed, children within the same family might be labeled and influenced differently.

It could also be that one of the children wasn’t wanted or planned, and this too can unconsciously affect the interaction between parent and child.

Another scenario often observed is when something a parent lacked but wanted is projected onto one of the children, burdening the child with a particular pressure. The child might not even have that specific need, yet the parents might present it as an opportunity the child has, one they themselves didn’t. This is particularly visible when children are seen as substitutes for the parent’s unfulfilled life or as trophies to show of.

Similarly, when parents are highly identified with mainstream collective thinking and one of the children stands apart from this, more connected to their individuality and truth, they are often perceived and unconsciously treated as an odd one out.

As you can see, an immense diversity and complexity underlie the so-called apparent equal upbringing. True equality is an unconscious and innocent exception rather than the rule. The children are inevitably affected by this.

By becoming more aware of the aforementioned dynamics as parents and your own reaction patterns, you can navigate this dynamic more effectively. Retrieving your own projections through shadow work and transforming your own inner pains and traumas will liberate both you and your children from these unconscious processes.